not going to miss this place.
i might a little.
but for the most part- peace motherfuckerssssss.
i mean i love it and all but i can't take these people.
& they can't take ME.

like i said earlier:
sorry if i'm the life of the party.
if that means you need me to go then by all means- i'll take it somewhere else. point, blank, period.
i aint ready to go to sleep yet. i got plans homie.
<3

r.i.p.= the fear

1. worked about 30 hours in 3 days with barely any food or water.
2. drank myself drunk 3 nights in a row- hangovers included.
3. called the cops because my mom locked me out.
4. cried a bunch.
5. met a ton of fake rude bitches.
6. stuck up for myself at work- which will probably get me in trouble.
7. realized the love i have & hope to forget.
8. got into a couple of messy drunk fights.
9. slept on a couch i really didn't want to.
10. nearly destroyed a marriage.
11. told my step-dad to fuck himself for the first time in my life. *best part*
12. spent that cash like it was going out of style. *second best part*
13. realized that life is a bitch & all this shit will only make me a stronger person in the long run.

i got:
love for the lovers
& news for the haters.

i was just told, by my mothers puppet mouth, step-monster is the puppeteer, that...
ok i started to type them but i now realize how motherfucking stupid this shit is that i don't even care.
so basically i'm just going to keep doing whatever the fuck i want weather anyone likes it or not.
i've never been any other way so where are these people trying to get at?
i'm a free spirit. eat me.

this little piece embodies my emotions right now- verrr batemmm.

i'm fine with today. in fact i love where i am today. and not just today i've been feeling this way more and more days. it's a re-occurring thing cool huh!?

it's refreshing.
probably wont last long [pessimist in me].

yeah i tried to salvage my ruins but not so much luck.
he's not even trying to be into me anymore.
& honestly if there's no instant spark what's the point in continuing?
just another thing to add to the 'things i destroy in my life' list.
hahaha.
xo

ps/ oh not another 3 dates and it's over thingy! ewwwww.

i knew it was a bad idea.
to fall for a guy and let him fall for you when you both don't have a car.
now i'm stuck here living my life.
he's there living his.
and all we are is a phone call or text away.

that's not enough.
it's a god fucking awful feeling.

::sad sigh::

what a wonderful shit way to get my mood going.
guess what people!?
i got written up today. twice.
one for attendance. and one for not making my pay period numbers.
i knew this was coming and i waited patiently.
so i got a pep talk, i spoke my mind, everything was put on the table- AND I STILL WANT TO WORK FOR THIS COMPANY.
i told him that i'd try my best to be all that i can be and lick his balls any way he wants.

the only difference now is- i'm not scared.
i'm not intimidated.
not going to stress anymore.
i'm on chillin' mode.

all in all: i'm ready to move on with my life BUT i'll hang out working there for as long as they'll have me. could be a couple of weeks or a couple of months. who knows?

i'm, still, going, to, be, my, fab, self.

you want to know about me? spend a few minutes drinking with me and i might tell you. i'm pretty open about most things in my life and i usually don't have much to hide. i love meeting new people- probably because i can be whoever i want without anyone knowing what's really going on in my head. you can find me listening to music all day long, shooting the breeze with los amigos, looking at myself in the mirror, playing on my cell phone, and cigarette and drink in hand. what can i say?

i don't know where my life is going to he honest. everything seems so upside down right now. live a day in my shoes and you might get the picture. good news is: i'm mostly always optimistic about whatever shitty situation approaches. i refuse to let myself be bothered by life's little miseries. i'm a get up and go kinda guy.

cheers!
xo, jonny


ps//realize that family and old friends from way back yonder are reading this too. i think i kept it pretty legit. it is what is is y'all.

he would know the answer to all these things:

how i like my coffee.
what hair product i use.
how long it takes me to get dressed.
which clothing articles i can't live without.
the most played songs on my itunes.
what i like first thing in the morning.
why i say the things i say.
what i'm thinking.
how i'll react to something.
where i want to go.
how to make my favorite sandwich.
which drinks to order.
how to make me cream my panties.
which movie to pick.
which flower will make me feel better.


xo

i'm still car-less.
i'm still phone-less.
work isn't looking to good.
the locks were changed and i didn't get a key.
i have to knock every time i come home to be let in.
i'm getting a nice income tax check.
my bar tab last night was $98, lol.

i love to hate my life.

It was amazing. This guy Christopher is totally crazy, and I kind of knew, but this conversation just put him on a whole new level of CRAZY. We dated for about.. 4 days. This shit is priceless.

FashionVixxon (2:41:24 AM): you stopped texting me
FashionVixxon (2:41:32 AM): am i not cute enough for you to talk to me?
FashionVixxon (2:41:33 AM): :[
That guy Jonny (2:41:44 AM): lol.. ok
FashionVixxon (2:41:54 AM): im not?
That guy Jonny (2:42:04 AM): you're sounding a little crazy
FashionVixxon (2:42:09 AM): how so?
That guy Jonny (2:42:27 AM): with what you're saying
FashionVixxon (2:42:37 AM): sorry, im not trying to be stalkerish
FashionVixxon (2:42:42 AM): i was just bummed that you dont wana talk
FashionVixxon (2:42:57 AM): and i was just assuming it was because i wasnt cute enough
That guy Jonny (2:43:08 AM): see that sounds crazy
FashionVixxon (2:43:18 AM): why does that sound crazy
That guy Jonny (2:43:29 AM): not cute enough?
FashionVixxon (2:43:34 AM): yea
FashionVixxon (2:43:37 AM): why does that sound crazy?
FashionVixxon (2:43:38 AM): i dont get it
FashionVixxon (2:43:44 AM): should i just stop talking to you?
That guy Jonny (2:43:49 AM): ok, what?!
FashionVixxon (2:44:01 AM): im so confused
That guy Jonny (2:44:11 AM): you are..
FashionVixxon (2:44:17 AM): i know im a dork for getting excited about talking to you
FashionVixxon (2:44:23 AM): since you live forever away
FashionVixxon (2:44:34 AM): but then yea, i got bummed because you dont really talk to me
FashionVixxon (2:45:02 AM): so i was asking you if it had to do with my looks not being up to par, and you said that was crazy [which i dont get why its crazy] and so thats why i asked if you'd rather i not talk to you anymore
That guy Jonny (2:45:18 AM): it's NOT that serious
That guy Jonny (2:45:42 AM): my inbox is full of texts from our conversation so how you think i'm not talking to you doesnt make sense
That guy Jonny (2:45:54 AM): in fact, 80% of my inbox is yours
That guy Jonny (2:46:03 AM): it's a bit much for me, to be honest
FashionVixxon (2:46:51 AM): wooaah. i didnt notice it was that much since my outbox isnt 80% texts to you, maybe i just text a lot more. but ummm since im too much sorry dude. i wont even bug you anymore
FashionVixxon (2:46:52 AM): wow
FashionVixxon (2:46:53 AM): sorry
That guy Jonny (2:47:52 AM): you dont have to be sorry dollface
That guy Jonny (2:48:05 AM): i'm just not into the 1000 texts a day
FashionVixxon (2:48:25 AM): lol dude i didnt text you all that much. again, sorry for bothering you and it wont happen anymore
FashionVixxon (2:48:28 AM): lates
That guy Jonny (2:48:42 AM): that's it?!
That guy Jonny (2:48:48 AM): you're gone from my life?!
FashionVixxon (2:49:52 AM): dude you're making me feel really really bad about myself tonight. i dont like feeling bad about myself. so i dont want to talk with someone who is going to make me feel that way. as it was, you made me feel not attractive enough and now you're making me feel like a creeper for texting you here and there. sorry, i text my friends, its fun. i assumed you were the same since you so freely gave me your number
FashionVixxon (2:50:00 AM): and since im "too much"
FashionVixxon (2:50:04 AM): i dont even want to bother
FashionVixxon (2:50:07 AM): im not mad
FashionVixxon (2:50:10 AM): and i dont have ill will
FashionVixxon (2:50:17 AM): but i really dont want to feel bad about myself
FashionVixxon (2:50:21 AM): and you're making me feel awful
FashionVixxon (2:50:26 AM): so yea, i guess thats it
That guy Jonny (2:50:34 AM): whoa
That guy Jonny (2:50:46 AM): you need to smoke a joint and chill brotha
That guy Jonny (2:50:50 AM): chillll
FashionVixxon (2:50:54 AM): im actually really calm right now
FashionVixxon (2:50:57 AM): and relaxed
FashionVixxon (2:51:00 AM): i speak my mind dude
FashionVixxon (2:51:04 AM): thats all
That guy Jonny (2:51:41 AM): im not trying to make you feel unattractive.. i dont even understand what that is
That guy Jonny (2:51:56 AM): or bad about yourself..
FashionVixxon (2:52:29 AM): you dont understand what "unattractive" is? it means ugly
That guy Jonny (2:53:03 AM): yes dear, i know
That guy Jonny (2:53:16 AM): i mean i dont know how that's possible since i never said anything about your looks?
FashionVixxon (2:53:32 AM): i know you didnt
That guy Jonny (2:53:55 AM): ok well im glad you understand that
That guy Jonny (2:54:00 AM): hope you feel better
That guy Jonny (2:54:02 AM): gnite
FashionVixxon (2:54:10 AM): good night?
FashionVixxon (2:54:14 AM): alright man
FashionVixxon (2:54:26 AM): i'll loose your number. sorry for having bothered you
FashionVixxon (2:54:26 AM): bye

EDIT: HE CONTINUES

FashionVixxon (2:59:45 AM): oh Jonny since im too much, feel free to delete me from your myspace
FashionVixxon (3:01:32 AM): and thanx again for making me feel bad about myself
That guy Jonny (3:04:50 AM): i'm sorry, i have mood swings
That guy Jonny (3:04:57 AM): it's a chemical imbalance in my brain (duh jk obv)
FashionVixxon (3:09:26 AM): i've been nothing but nice and you keep being rude tonight
FashionVixxon (3:09:35 AM): that sux that you have a chem imbal and mood swings (he bought it!?!)
FashionVixxon (3:09:38 AM): but im not a punching bag
That guy Jonny (3:11:41 AM): ok i can't continue this right now my head is going to explode (i'm going to die if i read another word from you)


OMG are you for real right? Yes this person is real. God bless the gay crazies.

Most mornings I open my eyes and think to myself, "what the hell am I doing awake." I look around at my surroundings, Max usually beside me, and force myself back into a dark oblivion. I already know there's nothing on my schedule, I have no car to do anything or go anywhere, and my phone is sitting there with nothing on it. I don't know what reaction most people would have to this scenario but it makes me fucking sick in the stomach.

I know there's something worth living and waking up with excitement for. There has to be. Right now I'm stuck in this hole of crap. I can't even try to describe it. It's just like come on man I'm ready for something else. I suppose I jest need to get out there and find it. I need to seek it. I need to have it in the palm of my hand.

When will I?

On another note.. I still have it in me to make myself laugh. Which is good.

Apparently all the people who are in my life that were just sick passed it along to me. I hate feeling under the weather, it makes me even more of a motherfucker then I already am. I'm pissed, annoyed, and sick of everything. It makes me think of how much this economy sucks and how business is suffering reflecting in my work schedule.

Now I'm listening to 'Out From Under' and I can add sadness to my list of emotions. alright where's my wine bottle...?

Until I've found you, dug you from the hole you've been hiding in, hold you with my every being, kiss you forever and ever, touch your every body part, love you with all my heart- I'll have my drink. I'll have it next to me. Where you should be.

The end.
ps//No tears were shed in the makings of this shiz.